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Tobit 10:6-7 "But Tobit said to her, 'Be still and stop worrying; he is well.' And she answered him, 'Be still and stop deceiving me; my child has perished.' And she went out every day to the road by which they had left; she ate nothing in the daytime, and throughout the nights she never stopped mourning for her son Tobias, until the fourteen days of the wedding feast had expired which Raguel had sworn that he should spend there. At that time Tobias said to Raguel, 'Send me back, for my father and mother have given up hope of ever seeing me again.''"

 

Having married Raguel's daughter and been welcomed into the family so heartily, including with a fourteen-day wedding feast, Tobias recognizes his duty to his new father-in-law. He does not just up and leave, even though he knows his parents must be worried. Instead, he asks Raguel for permission to go, which Raguel eventually gives. (Tobit 10:9-10) Meanwhile, though, Tobias' mother Anna has worked herself into a frenzy of worry as she awaits Tobias' return from a trip that should never taken as long as it did.

 

As a mother who has worried about her children much the same way Anna was worrying, I can read this and get a little annoyed at all three men, Tobit, Tobias, and Raguel, for not prioritizing how Anna was feeling. I know what it feels like to have convinced yourself someone you love has perished while the men around you tell you not to worry, or delay letting you know that they are well. It reminds me of how I can get a little annoyed at Jesus for His reply to His mother when she and St. Joseph find Him in the temple ("“How is it that you sought me? Did you not know that I must be in my Father’s house?” Luke 2:49). But I think that's part of the point of this story, for me at least.

 

My annoyance at these men is not the right response. Tobias had an archangel with him, if he was meant to have come home earlier, he would have been guided home by Raphael. He was doing the right thing, obeying his new father-in-law and showing him the respect he was due. Anna, on the other hand, was showing a lack of trust in God. Her panic, while understandable, was all self-made and nurtured. If she had trusted the way Tobit did, who was distressed himself (Tobit 10:3), but did not let it overwhelm him, she would have been more at peace.

 

This passage is a hint at the differing roles of men and women, and how we can bring trouble on ourselves when we forget them. Anna should have been more "obedient" to her husband. That is, she should have recognized that he was a good man who loved their son as much as she did but was handling Tobias's absence much better than she was. Instead of giving her feelings priority (which women are prone to do), she should have questioned her emotional reaction to Tobit and considered that he was acting more wisely than she was.

 

Men are the heads of households in part because they do tend, in general, to be more level-headed and calm when things are not going as planned. Women need that guidance when we are letting our emotions take control. This is not to say that women and our emotions have no role. With our empathy, we are meant to bring to men's attention the ones who may need help, the ones who men may not notice as they focus on the "big picture." Once we do, however, if we know the man to be trustworthy and good, we should help him handle the situation as he sees fit, and not berate him for not giving into the same emotional response that we are having. Anna would have been much more at peace if she listened to her husband while she waited for her son's return. Many times I would have been so, too.