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2 Samuel 3:22 "Just then the servants of David arrived with Joab from a raid, bringing much spoil with them. But Abner was not with David at Hebron, for he had sent him away, and he had gone in peace."

 

Abner had been the commander of Saul's army, but he came to David seeking a covenant with him, and promised to gather all of Israel to David's kingship. (2 Samuel 3:12, 19). David took Abner at his word and let him go in peace. (2 Samuel 3:21), but Joab did not trust Abner, or did not forgive him, or some combination of both, and he sought out Abner and killed him. (2 Samuel 3:24-27).

 

David and Joab show us two sides of forgiveness and trust. It is so difficult to forgive someone who has hurt us badly, and even harder to trust them. But people can change, every person alive is still on their journey, and still has God working in their lives. We have to always keep a door open in our hearts ready to let them in. We have to treat them the way God treats us. We are all sinners, yet God is always willing to forgive us and welcome us back into his fold. David emulates God here, taking Abner at his word of conversion to David's cause and his promise to now fight for David. Unfortunately, Joab does not. In fact, Joab models us when we don't leave room for grace, when we judge people without considering that they may have repented and been forgiven by God.  

 

Forgiveness can be done by us alone, but trust will only be possible with the other party's repentance. We forgive in our hearts by canceling the debt someone owes us, even if they haven't changed, haven't repented, maybe even don't see that they have hurt us. This part of forgiveness is necessary for our own good, otherwise our wounds fester as we keep picking off the scabs with our rumination. David could have held the injustices done to him by Saul and Abner against them, but he did not. He let that debt go, and that helped him to move forward in clarity and act decisively in God's will. But even if we have cancelled another's debt in our hearts, it is not until the person has shown some sign of repentance that we can begin to trust them again. Abner showed his change of heart by coming to David seeking a covenant; it was only then that David accepted him into his service.

 

In the Sacrament of Reconciliation we have to recognize our sins, take responsibility for them, and resolve to try and turn from them in the future. A similar step towards repentance is necessary from those who have hurt us in order to know that they are at least trying not to do the same thing again. While we are in the forgiveness stage, but there has not yet been repentance, the best thing to do is let the person go, to keep as much of a distance from them as necessary so they don't have the continuing opportunity to hurt us. We can and should pray for them, but we can't rely on them, or have a fruitful relationship with them, until they recognize their error. When and if they come to us as Abner came to David, then we can begin to trust again, and build or rebuild a relationship with them.